"Life is not fair. Get used to it." - Bill Gates
My overwhemling emotion these days seems to be anger... Pure, unadulterated anger, with undertones of intense sadness. I'm angry about SO many things right now and I'm hoping that getting them out of my head will be somehow cathartic...
I'm angry that the only stuff I see in my social media feeds lately is the pure insanity spiral of crumbling democracy, rising fascism, racism, discrimination, intolerance, xenophobia, corruption, environmental ruin, selfish, rich, powerful people trying to claim dominion over the rest of us, while the idiotic, religious fringe folks throw their "thoughts & prayers" at everything... And yet the planet is somehow managing not to spin off its axis, because this bullshit has been going on with humanity since the dawn of our eistence...
I'm angry that my body has been taken over by the alien force known as "perimenopause", which has thrown my brain & mentsrual cycle into episodes of murderous rage, insomnia, hunger, hot flashes, unwanted hairs, middle-age spread, exhaustion, thinning hair and at times, surges of a goddess-like power... Nobody ever told me that I would have to endure this, not my mother, nor any older woman I know... It's apparently a HUGE female secret that you have to do extensive research on, by yourself, late at night, because nobody will talk about it... Unless you start complaining and then you get to hear another woman's litany of symptoms, which is in no way helpful or useful... So much for "sisterhood"!
I'm angry that I'm still trying to figure out what I want to do when I grow up. I've never had what I'd describe as a "career"... just a series of jobs that I learned things at & made some good connections through. I've never made a particularly great salary, nor have I ever had a good boss, who was a mentor & wanted to see me succeed. I have an Art degree that basically qualifies me to be a barista at Starbuck's, although I do occasionally get to use my "mad skills" to create PowerPoint presentations, invitations, flyers or a beautifully decoupaged vase. I currently have a job that I really like in the community / social services field, working with some fabulous, dedicated people, who seem to recognize my humor, empathetic nature & appreciate my talents... Except the pay is not that great. Oh, and did I mention that my husband was recently relieved of his job, after nearly 6 years of busting his ass for a completely manufactured, bullshit reason?!... So now he gets to do the job hunt thing, while we both try not to go insane worrying about how we're going to pay our bills and not lose our house. I know something better will eventually come along for him, as it did for me, but the waiting is truly the hardest part.
I'm angry that my alcoholic, undiagnosed ADD / borderline & narcissistic personality disorder ex-husband has yet to man-up and be a responsible parent / human being & actually keep a job, so that he can provide child-support for his daughter. It's quite clearly spelled out in our divorce agreement, yet I had to spend 7 months of time & money back in 2016 fighting him in court over it. And the judge DID find him in contempt of court & ruled that he owes a shit-ton of unpaid child-support, which he agreed to pay monthly, right before he fucked off back to his home town in Scotland. I've not gotten a fraction of the money he owes, which keeps accruing, month after month and I will probably never see it... so my daughter's step-father & I bust our asses to make sure our child has what she needs like food, clothing, a roof over her head, school supplies, etc., etc., etc.... And yes, after 9 years of this I resent the f@ck out him every damn day!
I'm angry most of all right now that a friend of mine lost his wife yesterday to a very insidious cancer called glioblastoma. The diagnosis of this type of cancer is always fatal, because it's aggressive and there is NO cure as of yet. All they can do it treat it with surgery & chemo & hope for the best. I've followed my friend and his family's cancer journey for the last year and they have handled it with the utmost grace and courage... I am in awe of them, because I don't think I could handle one tenth of what they've been though. My friend's wife was only a few years older than me & the cancer reduced her from a vibrant, beautiful woman to being bedridden, puffy and non-verbal, in a hospital bed. In her final days, she was in a hospice facility that took amazing care of her, based on what the family had posted about it... They had tremendous love and support in their cancer journey, which makes me so grateful, but my friend is now a widow and his daughter is motherless... it's so damn unfair!
ALL of this was doing my head in early this morning, so I went out into the darkness of my backyard at 3:30 AM, sobbing with rage and sadness... I looked up into the sky, and asked, "WHY?!", as if the cold stars of space, millions of light years away would somehow hold any kind of answer for me... And as I happened to turn my head slightly, to get a better view of the half-moon that was hanging there, mocking me, I saw a streak of light and a flash... If I had blinked I would've missed it, but there it was, some bit of rock or space junk that was hurtling towards the earth and burned up in the atmosphere, just as I was looking up into the heavens... I have no idea what it means, I just know that I was there to see it, when I needed to see something, anything that would remind me that there is indeed a spark of magic or divinity somewhere in the universe, because life is not fair.
Friday, August 23, 2019
Tuesday, May 21, 2019
Life In The "Age Of Entitlement"
It's finally happened... I've had to deal with Millenials at work. These insidious creatures are like nothing I've ever experienced before & my loins have not been properly girded. I can deal with insane deadlines, mysoginist, alcoholic bosses & even people who use the microwave, but stop cooking their food with 10 seconds left to go & never hit the STOP/CLEAR button, but never anything like this utter bullshit in the workplace.
I made the mistake of mentioning "the M-word" to my 28 year-old team counterpart and she actually had the audacity to tell me that HER generation works twice as hard as mine... After I stopped laughing, I asked her if she had ever drove a client presentation to the Fed-Ex at O'Hare airport at 9:45 at night, because it HAD to be there by 8 AM the next day or whether she had ever been asked to take the boss's car to a local car wash to get it spruced up before a big, client visit to the office?... Or what about starting at an entry-level position, for very little pay & then working your way up for incremental raises, just so you could "learn" the business? Another newish chick actually had the nerve to bitterly complain to me about another person in the office, who was able to work remotely, even though he's technically a new hire & company policy dictates that you have to have put in 90 days before that's allowed (nevermind the fact that he's worked for the company before, has a ton of experience & has history with the management, plus he lives really far away). In other words, she felt "entitled" to the same benefits, even though she's only been with the company for a month!
But my favorite experience thus far has been with a young, gay man, who I had become pals with, but recently had a small disagreement with & subsequently apologized to. I felt very badly about the disagreement & came into the office a few days afterwards to fnd him standing near my workspace, chatting with another co-worker. I gave him a gentle hug, wished him a "Happy Monday", told him I loved him & then went about starting my day. Thirty minutes later, I recieved an instant message from him, blasting me for hugging him without his permission & making him feel uncomfortable because I did it IN FRONT of other people.
I was completely gobsmacked by his response & then nearly went ballistic when, another thirty minutes later, I got an invitation from HR to meet with the director for a "checking in on things" meeting. The interesting thing about getting this invite is that I had already had a good "checking in" chat with her the week prior, so clearly this was going to be a meeting to discuss my perceived "wrongdoing". I responded to the young man's rather aggresive IM to me, by telling him that I had felt REALLY bad about our disagreement, but since I had apologized & he never responded, I assumed we were good. I further went on to explain that he had once again, misinterpreted my meaning & I had hugged him purely as a gesture of kindness & goodwill... Oh and by the way, it was a HUG, FFS, not a personal attack on his space!
I guess this is what it's come down to, a simple hug needs a trigger warning & must be done in a safe space, because you might OFFEND someone's sensibilities! I do understand how some people might not be "touchy feely" types, but again, it's a common social gesture of niceness, so why turn it into a potential "molestation" or "harassment" issue?! If it's such a problem for you, then perhaps it's really YOUR issue, not mine. And honestly, if you have a problem with something I say or do, how about being man enough to come and talk to me about it face-to-face, rather than running to HR and making a mountain out of a molehill & taking things to a place that they don't even need to go to?! Because apparently, it's so much easier to flip the script & cause unecessary drama!
So now, I get to have my time wasted being chastized by HR, for an innocuous display of affection, as well as the aggravation this guy's "sense of entitlement" has caused me... I don't think he's even thought about the fact that his response of making things "go to eleven" is certainly not going to engender any good feelings from me, nor will it make me ever want to deal with him again. I'm actually kind of glad that he's now shown me who he really is, because now I can handle him appropriately, which will mean a complete freeze out & total blanking, since I really don't interact with him on a daily basis, other than the ocassional workplace chatter. I may leave him with a parting gift though... A t-shirt that says, "Save the drama for the stage!".
I made the mistake of mentioning "the M-word" to my 28 year-old team counterpart and she actually had the audacity to tell me that HER generation works twice as hard as mine... After I stopped laughing, I asked her if she had ever drove a client presentation to the Fed-Ex at O'Hare airport at 9:45 at night, because it HAD to be there by 8 AM the next day or whether she had ever been asked to take the boss's car to a local car wash to get it spruced up before a big, client visit to the office?... Or what about starting at an entry-level position, for very little pay & then working your way up for incremental raises, just so you could "learn" the business? Another newish chick actually had the nerve to bitterly complain to me about another person in the office, who was able to work remotely, even though he's technically a new hire & company policy dictates that you have to have put in 90 days before that's allowed (nevermind the fact that he's worked for the company before, has a ton of experience & has history with the management, plus he lives really far away). In other words, she felt "entitled" to the same benefits, even though she's only been with the company for a month!
But my favorite experience thus far has been with a young, gay man, who I had become pals with, but recently had a small disagreement with & subsequently apologized to. I felt very badly about the disagreement & came into the office a few days afterwards to fnd him standing near my workspace, chatting with another co-worker. I gave him a gentle hug, wished him a "Happy Monday", told him I loved him & then went about starting my day. Thirty minutes later, I recieved an instant message from him, blasting me for hugging him without his permission & making him feel uncomfortable because I did it IN FRONT of other people.
I was completely gobsmacked by his response & then nearly went ballistic when, another thirty minutes later, I got an invitation from HR to meet with the director for a "checking in on things" meeting. The interesting thing about getting this invite is that I had already had a good "checking in" chat with her the week prior, so clearly this was going to be a meeting to discuss my perceived "wrongdoing". I responded to the young man's rather aggresive IM to me, by telling him that I had felt REALLY bad about our disagreement, but since I had apologized & he never responded, I assumed we were good. I further went on to explain that he had once again, misinterpreted my meaning & I had hugged him purely as a gesture of kindness & goodwill... Oh and by the way, it was a HUG, FFS, not a personal attack on his space!
I guess this is what it's come down to, a simple hug needs a trigger warning & must be done in a safe space, because you might OFFEND someone's sensibilities! I do understand how some people might not be "touchy feely" types, but again, it's a common social gesture of niceness, so why turn it into a potential "molestation" or "harassment" issue?! If it's such a problem for you, then perhaps it's really YOUR issue, not mine. And honestly, if you have a problem with something I say or do, how about being man enough to come and talk to me about it face-to-face, rather than running to HR and making a mountain out of a molehill & taking things to a place that they don't even need to go to?! Because apparently, it's so much easier to flip the script & cause unecessary drama!
So now, I get to have my time wasted being chastized by HR, for an innocuous display of affection, as well as the aggravation this guy's "sense of entitlement" has caused me... I don't think he's even thought about the fact that his response of making things "go to eleven" is certainly not going to engender any good feelings from me, nor will it make me ever want to deal with him again. I'm actually kind of glad that he's now shown me who he really is, because now I can handle him appropriately, which will mean a complete freeze out & total blanking, since I really don't interact with him on a daily basis, other than the ocassional workplace chatter. I may leave him with a parting gift though... A t-shirt that says, "Save the drama for the stage!".
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