It's been awhile since I was comfortable going into smaller retail stores, but as the weather has gotten nicer & the pandemic seems to be getting under control, thanks to the wonders of modern medical science, I decided to go to one of my fave outlet stores to peruse & possibly give myself a much-needed dose of "retail therapy".
This particular store (oh fuck it, let's just say it)... Lands End Inlet, happens to have a really cool catalog overstock / clearance section that I have scored lots of cool items from in the past. This comes in especially handy for buying kids clothes (for my daughter) & work wear for me. The trick is that you have to be willing to dig though racks & racks of stuff & be okay with the fact that the stock changes a lot. If you're good with that, you can sometimes find a serious bargain.
I hadn't been in there in AGES & there's one right in my town, next to my other fave bargain retail place, Big Lots, so I popped in & started casually looking around. Of course, I went to the back of the store & I zeroed in on the Petite section & started looking at jeans... I have a seriously hard time finding ones that fit my short length, tiny waist & curvy hips, thighs & butt... You would think it would be super easy, but let me tell you, it's not! Sizing for women is a shit show, even at the best of times, because you can't go by numbers, you have to go by fit & maybe you can find something in the middle that sort of works, if you're lucky.
Suddenly, On an unassuming rack, I saw them... cream colored jeans, in my size for $14.50! Now, aside from the fact that this was a total bargain, I wouldn't ever normally consider buying them, because of a lot of things... I HATE how I look right now, thanks to perimenopause & the fact that I spent the pandemic on my couch, either working on my laptop or watching the plethora of programming on cable TV, so I'm not exactly in "fighting" shape... And even when I was, cream colored jeans are strictly the domain of lithe, thin, super-fit, suburban MILFs, who shop at Whole Foods, get hot stone massages & expensive haircuts... My curvy hipped, cellulite dimpled ass would NEVER look good in cream colored jeans, because I wasn't the petite, size 8 or 10 that I used to be, before having a kid. My pear shape had turned into an hourglass years ago.
But, for some reason, I didn't put them back... I touched the material, it was quality denim fabric, but soft, with some stretch... maybe I COULD pull this off?!... I couldn't actually try them on in the fitting room, which was closed, but I figured that since I lived nearby, if I tried them on at home & they didn't fit, I could easily bring them back for a refund. And I did just that... They fit me pretty damn well... I mean WHY couldn't I pull these off with a cute top & some strappy sandals or ankle boots? Who fucking cares if I'm no longer the size I was 10 years ago? I should embrace my shape & the curves that I EARNED over a lifetime of womanhood, instead of beating myself up about not being "thin" enough! Who cares if my saddlebags show alongside my rounded hips, thighs & no longer flat stomach? Who cares if a lighter colored demim shows off visible panty lines & a little cellulite? What do I have to prove at this point in my life to anyone?... The answer is NOTHING! Nothing at all!
I spent YEARS feeling bad about my body & often flirted with an eating disorder, first as an adolescent with budding breasts that ruined my otherwise boyish frame, then getting teased in Jr. high for being "A carpenter's dream - flat as a board & easy to screw",well, at least the first part was right! Then in high school where I was merely cute, but not "fuckable", which I was certain was because of my small tits, which were great for being in dance & gymnastics, but not something any boys were interested in. In college, I blossomed & finally had some semblance of acceptance with my body... College guys liked my "exotic" looks, especially when I was onstage doing plays or performing in a band... I learned to harness the power of my femininity & the divine goddess energy I had hidden away, deep inside. I look at pictures of me from that time & think "Holy shit!"... I was so beautiful and I didn't even know it! I was a size 8 & I thought I was fat... I wasn't, I was perfect, but I didn't have the self-confidence to embrace that!
After college, I still struggled with body image issues, but it was less pronounced as I grew into womanhood & experienced life and more serious relationships... I got married in a beautiful, ivory sample size wedding dress that fit me like it was made for me... I looked gorgeous & had a lovely wedding... Sadly, it didn't last. Later I got married again, to a Scotsman, on the beach in Florida, in an ivory silk skirt & ivory lace tunic from one of my favorite designers, April Cornell. And two years later, I had a daughter, which changed my body yet again... Taking me from that pear shape to an hourglass... My barely B cups became small Cs, my curves stayed & so did my c-section scar, hidden in my bikini line. My body had finally fulfilled it's biological imperative and I had no choice but to accept it.
So back to the cream colored jeans... Yes, they were $14.50. Yes, they fit me perfectly. Yes, I kept them & actually got complemented when I wore them out somewhere the other day. So the lesson here is... Life is too damn short not to buy the clothes or the shoes you like or to eat dessert or to take that trip you've been thinking about... Buy the cream colored jeans & wear them with pride... IT WILL LIBERATE YOU!
