The Liberating Power Of Cream Colored Jeans

It's been awhile since I was comfortable going into smaller retail stores, but as the weather has gotten nicer & the pandemic seems to be getting under control, thanks to the wonders of modern medical science, I decided to go to one of my fave outlet stores to peruse & possibly give myself a much-needed dose of "retail therapy".

This particular store (oh fuck it, let's just say it)... Lands End Inlet, happens to have a really cool catalog overstock / clearance section that I have scored lots of cool items from in the past. This comes in especially handy for buying kids clothes (for my daughter) & work wear for me. The trick is that you have to be willing to dig though racks & racks of stuff & be okay with the fact that the stock changes a lot. If you're good with that, you can sometimes find a serious bargain.

I hadn't been in there in AGES & there's one right in my town, next to my other fave bargain retail place, Big Lots, so I popped in & started casually looking around. Of course, I went to the back of the store & I zeroed in on the Petite section & started looking at jeans... I have a seriously hard time finding ones that fit my short length, tiny waist & curvy hips, thighs & butt... You would think it would be super easy, but let me tell you, it's not! Sizing for women is a shit show, even at the best of times, because you can't go by numbers, you have to go by fit & maybe you can find something in the middle that sort of works, if you're lucky.

Suddenly, On an unassuming rack, I saw them... cream colored jeans, in my size for $14.50! Now, aside from the fact that this was a total bargain, I wouldn't ever normally consider buying them, because of a lot of things... I HATE how I look right now, thanks to perimenopause & the fact that I spent the pandemic on my couch, either working on my laptop or watching the plethora of programming on cable TV, so I'm not exactly in "fighting" shape... And even when I was, cream colored jeans are strictly the domain of lithe, thin, super-fit, suburban MILFs, who shop at Whole Foods, get hot stone massages & expensive haircuts... My curvy hipped, cellulite dimpled ass would NEVER look good in cream colored jeans, because I wasn't the petite, size 8 or 10 that I used to be, before having a kid. My pear shape had turned into an hourglass years ago.

But, for some reason, I didn't put them back... I touched the material, it was quality denim fabric, but soft, with some stretch... maybe I COULD pull this off?!... I couldn't actually try them on in the fitting room, which was closed, but I figured that since I lived nearby, if I tried them on at home & they didn't fit, I could easily bring them back for a refund. And I did just that... They fit me pretty damn well... I mean WHY couldn't I pull these off with a cute top & some strappy sandals or ankle boots? Who fucking cares if I'm no longer the size I was 10 years ago? I should embrace my shape & the curves that I EARNED over a lifetime of womanhood, instead of beating myself up about not being "thin" enough! Who cares if my saddlebags show alongside my rounded hips, thighs & no longer flat stomach? Who cares if a lighter colored demim shows off visible panty lines & a little cellulite? What do I have to prove at this point in my life to anyone?... The answer is NOTHING! Nothing at all! 

I spent YEARS feeling bad about my body & often flirted with an eating disorder, first as an adolescent with budding breasts that ruined my otherwise boyish frame, then getting teased in Jr. high for being "A carpenter's dream - flat as a board & easy to screw",well, at least the first part was right! Then in high school where I was merely cute, but not "fuckable", which I was certain was because of my small tits, which were great for being in dance & gymnastics, but not something any boys were interested in. In college, I blossomed & finally had some semblance of acceptance with my body... College guys liked my "exotic" looks, especially when I was onstage doing plays or performing in a band... I learned to harness the power of my femininity & the divine goddess energy I had hidden away, deep inside. I look at pictures of me from that time & think "Holy shit!"... I was so beautiful and I didn't even know it! I was a size 8 & I thought I was fat... I wasn't, I was perfect, but I didn't have the self-confidence to embrace that! 

After college, I still struggled with body image issues, but it was less pronounced as I grew into womanhood & experienced life and more serious relationships... I got married in a beautiful, ivory sample size wedding dress that fit me like it was made for me... I looked gorgeous & had a lovely wedding... Sadly, it didn't last. Later I got married again, to a Scotsman, on the beach in Florida, in an ivory silk skirt & ivory lace tunic from one of my favorite designers, April Cornell. And two years later, I had a daughter, which changed my body yet again... Taking me from that pear shape to an hourglass... My barely B cups became small Cs, my curves stayed & so did my c-section scar, hidden in my bikini line. My body had finally fulfilled it's biological imperative and I had no choice but to accept it.

So back to the cream colored jeans... Yes, they were $14.50. Yes, they fit me perfectly. Yes, I kept them & actually got complemented when I wore them out somewhere the other day. So the lesson here is... Life is too damn short not to buy the clothes or the shoes you like or to eat dessert or to take that trip you've been thinking about... Buy the cream colored jeans & wear them with pride... IT WILL LIBERATE YOU! 

Life Is Not Fair

"Life is not fair. Get used to it." - Bill Gates

My overwhemling emotion these days seems to be anger... Pure, unadulterated anger, with undertones of intense sadness. I'm angry about SO many things right now and I'm hoping that getting them out of my head will be somehow cathartic...

I'm angry that the only stuff I see in my social media feeds lately is the pure insanity spiral of crumbling democracy, rising fascism, racism, discrimination, intolerance, xenophobia,  corruption, environmental ruin, selfish, rich, powerful people trying to claim dominion over the rest of us, while the idiotic, religious fringe folks throw their "thoughts & prayers" at everything... And yet the planet is somehow managing not to spin off its axis, because this bullshit has been going on with humanity since the dawn of our eistence...

I'm angry that my body has been taken over by the alien force known as "perimenopause", which has thrown my brain & mentsrual cycle into episodes of murderous rage, insomnia, hunger, hot flashes, unwanted hairs, middle-age spread, exhaustion, thinning hair and at times, surges of a goddess-like power... Nobody ever told me that I would have to endure this, not my mother, nor any older woman I know... It's apparently a HUGE female secret that you have to do extensive research on, by yourself, late at night, because nobody will talk about it... Unless you start complaining and then you get to hear another woman's litany of symptoms, which is in no way helpful or useful... So much for "sisterhood"!

I'm angry that I'm still trying to figure out what I want to do when I grow up. I've never had what I'd describe as a "career"... just a series of jobs that I learned things at & made some good connections through. I've never made a particularly great salary, nor have I ever had a good boss, who was a mentor & wanted to see me succeed. I have an Art degree that basically qualifies me to be a barista at Starbuck's, although I do occasionally get to use my "mad skills" to create PowerPoint presentations, invitations, flyers or a beautifully decoupaged vase. I currently have a job that I really like in the community / social services field, working with some fabulous, dedicated people, who seem to recognize my humor, empathetic nature & appreciate my talents... Except the pay is not that great. Oh, and did I mention that my husband was recently relieved of his job, after nearly 6 years of busting his ass for a completely manufactured, bullshit reason?!... So now he gets to do the job hunt thing, while we both try not to go insane worrying about how we're going to pay our bills and not lose our house. I know something better will eventually come along for him, as it did for me, but the waiting is truly the hardest part.

I'm angry that my alcoholic, undiagnosed ADD / borderline & narcissistic personality disorder ex-husband has yet to man-up and be a responsible parent / human being & actually keep a job, so that he can provide child-support for his daughter. It's quite clearly spelled out in our divorce agreement, yet I had to spend 7 months of time & money back in 2016 fighting him in court over it. And the judge DID find him in contempt of court & ruled that he owes a shit-ton of unpaid child-support, which he agreed to pay monthly, right before he fucked off back to his home town in Scotland. I've not gotten a fraction of the money he owes, which keeps accruing, month after month and I will probably never see it... so my daughter's step-father & I bust our asses to make sure our child has what she needs like food, clothing, a roof over her head, school supplies, etc., etc., etc.... And yes, after 9 years of this I resent the f@ck out him every damn day!

I'm angry most of all right now that a friend of mine lost his wife yesterday to a very insidious cancer called glioblastoma. The diagnosis of this type of cancer is always fatal, because it's aggressive and there is NO cure as of yet. All they can do it treat it with surgery & chemo & hope for the best. I've followed my friend and his family's cancer journey for the last year and they have handled it with the utmost grace and courage... I am in awe of them, because I don't think I could handle one tenth of what they've been though. My friend's wife was only a few years older than me & the cancer reduced her from a vibrant, beautiful woman to being bedridden, puffy and non-verbal, in a hospital bed. In her final days, she was in a hospice facility that took amazing care of her, based on what the family had posted about it... They had tremendous love and support in their cancer journey, which makes me so grateful, but my friend is now a widow and his daughter is motherless... it's so damn unfair!

ALL of this was doing my head in early this morning, so I went out into the darkness of my backyard at 3:30 AM, sobbing with rage and sadness... I looked up into the sky, and asked, "WHY?!", as if the cold stars of space, millions of light years away would somehow hold any kind of answer for me... And as I happened to turn my head slightly, to get a better view of the half-moon that was hanging there, mocking me, I saw a streak of light and a flash... If I had blinked I would've missed it, but there it was, some bit of rock or space junk that was hurtling towards the earth and burned up in the atmosphere, just as I was looking up into the heavens... I have no idea what it means, I just know that I was there to see it, when I needed to see something, anything that would remind me that there is indeed a spark of magic or divinity somewhere in the universe, because life is not fair.

Life In The "Age Of Entitlement"

It's finally happened... I've had to deal with Millenials at work. These insidious creatures are like nothing I've ever experienced before & my loins have not been properly girded. I can deal with insane deadlines, mysoginist, alcoholic bosses & even people who use the microwave, but stop cooking their food with 10 seconds left to go & never hit the STOP/CLEAR button, but never anything like this utter bullshit in the workplace.

I made the mistake of mentioning "the M-word" to my 28 year-old team counterpart and she actually had the audacity to tell me that HER generation works twice as hard as mine... After I stopped laughing, I asked her if she had ever drove a client presentation to the Fed-Ex at O'Hare airport at 9:45 at night, because it HAD to be there by 8 AM the next day or whether she had ever been asked to take the boss's car to a local car wash to get it spruced up before a big, client visit to the office?... Or what about starting at an entry-level position, for very little pay & then working your way up for incremental raises, just so you could "learn" the business? Another newish chick actually had the nerve to bitterly complain to me about another person in the office, who was able to work remotely, even though he's technically a new hire & company policy dictates that you have to have put in 90 days before that's allowed (nevermind the fact that he's worked for the company before, has a ton of experience & has history with the management, plus he lives really far away). In other words, she felt "entitled" to the same benefits, even though she's only been with the company for a month!

But my favorite experience thus far has been with a young, gay man, who I had become pals with, but recently had a small disagreement with & subsequently apologized to. I felt very badly about the disagreement & came into the office a few days afterwards to fnd him standing near my workspace, chatting with another co-worker. I gave him a gentle hug, wished him a "Happy Monday", told him I loved him & then went about starting my day. Thirty minutes later, I recieved an instant message from him, blasting me for hugging him without his permission & making him feel uncomfortable because I did it IN FRONT of other people.

I was completely gobsmacked by his response & then nearly went ballistic when, another thirty minutes later, I got an invitation from HR to meet with the director for a "checking in on things" meeting. The interesting thing about getting this invite is that I had already had a good "checking in" chat with her the week prior, so clearly this was going to be a meeting to discuss my perceived "wrongdoing". I responded to the young man's rather aggresive IM to me, by telling him that I had felt REALLY bad about our disagreement, but since I had apologized & he never responded, I assumed we were good. I further went on to explain that he had once again, misinterpreted my meaning & I had hugged him purely as a gesture of kindness & goodwill... Oh and by the way, it was a HUG, FFS, not a personal attack on his space!

I guess this is what it's come down to, a simple hug needs a trigger warning & must be done in a safe space, because you might OFFEND someone's sensibilities! I do understand how some people might not be "touchy feely" types, but again, it's a common social gesture of niceness, so why turn it into a potential "molestation" or "harassment" issue?! If it's such a problem for you, then perhaps it's really YOUR issue, not mine. And honestly, if you have a problem with something I say or do, how about being man enough to come and talk to me about it face-to-face, rather than running to HR and making a mountain out of a molehill & taking things to a place that they don't even need to go to?! Because apparently, it's so much easier to flip the script & cause unecessary drama!

So now, I get to have my time wasted being chastized by HR, for an innocuous display of affection, as well as the aggravation this guy's "sense of entitlement" has caused me... I don't think he's even thought about the fact that his response of making things "go to eleven" is certainly not going to engender any good feelings from me, nor will it make me ever want to deal with him again. I'm actually kind of glad that he's now shown me who he really is, because now I can handle him appropriately, which will mean a complete freeze out & total blanking, since I really don't interact with him on a daily basis, other than the ocassional workplace chatter. I may leave him with a parting gift though... A t-shirt that says, "Save the drama for the stage!".

Horrible Bosses: Female Edition

I have NEVER had a good female boss... Ever.

I don't know what happened to all of that "female empowerment & sisterhood" stuff, but it's not something I've ever experienced in the workplace. In fact, mine is a cautionary tale on the very worst of female behavior towards other females. Probably doesn't help that I'm an archetypal "Beta" wolf, which means that I'm very comfortable not being in charge, but supporting someone who is, all the while knowing I'm just one kill away from being the "Alpha".

Back in my day (we're talking the  middle-class suburbia of the 80's), you got a part time job when you were 16 or 17, at the point where your parents were sick of giving you spending money for everything, so you could earn your OWN money. The main choice of employment opportunity was either retail or fast food. I chose retail. My first job was in the accessories department at a brand new department store at the local mall, called "MainStreet" (predecessor to Kohl's). I quickly tired of scarves, gloves, hats, belts, purses & umbrellas & moved over to the jewelry section, which was a bit of a step up. Most of my friends worked in the juniors department and they had a very cool, laid back manager named Dave. My boss, Pat, was a bitchy, large woman, with little empathy for her young part-timer staff members... she favored the more serious, full-time ladies on her team, since we were "dispensable". The one and only time I ever got in trouble was when a carton of accessories items was left in the warehouse area and it apparently contained some diamond earrings... I had NO idea how or why it got there, but one of the older ladies on the team (who had a giant stick up her ass) noticed it, reported it to Pat and then named me as the culprit. Pat then chewed me out and wrote me up for it, having zero proof that "I" was actually the one responsible. I was in high school, so I really didn't give a shit, because I was part-time & probably only making $5 an hour, with my sights set on going off to college after the summer. C'est la vie.

During my college summer breaks, I also worked at various retail places to make money for the school year. I remember working for an insanely hyper, moody, blonde chick named Kris at a store that sold museum quality items. My female co-workers were lovely, but she was not. I hated not knowing what kind of mood she'd be in from day-to-day, so I preferred the younger, sweeter Assistant Manager, Bettina, who was secretly carrying on an affair with a district manager, that she eventually left her husband for, to run off with him to California, where he was opening more stores. I quit that place and went to work for a natural beauty product chain (which had been started by a very cool woman in London). I did love their products and the fact that I got to do makeovers on customers, but the franchised store was owned by 2 Canadian sisters, who were VERY intense, especially when they scrutinized me on the selling floor. Once, after doing a closing shift, one of the sisters was the manager on duty & couldn't get the outer metal screen door shut & locked (the store was in a mall), so she started cursing & swearing "For fuck's sake!", which made me giggle. The sisters weren't interested in investing in the girls on their team, they were all about the bottom line and despite being well-liked by customers & co-workers, they canned me (I don't even remember what the reason was) and gave me the parting gift of picking a product from the store, so I chose the most expensive tub of mango body butter I could find. That thing lasted me for 2 years!

Once I graduated college, but still had no idea what I really wanted to do career-wise, I took a job as a visual merchandiser at a local department store chain (since by now, I had a solid background in retail). In some ways, it was really fun and interesting, since each store had a dedicated team, with access to a massive warehouse of mannequins, props, etc. which we used to create "themed" displays. I had gotten the job through some retail connections, and the woman in charge was an inscrutable lady named Carla, who was nice, but certainly not a "mentor" figure. I learned everything by trial and error, since there was no formal training. The team I was part of was nice and we were led by a super-gay manager named Jim (who also had zero management or training skills). The one thing I remember about Carla was a brainstorming meeting we had about patriotic ideas for displays, where she burst into tears over the fact that the Gulf War had recently started.  I was shocked to see her be so emotional. Later that day, I was finishing up a very cool window display, when I plugged a glue gun into an outlet, which sparked, and threw me back against a wall, with a shock from some serious electrical voltage. I still have a mini portfolio of pictures of my work, which really wasn't half-bad!

My first "real" corporate job was as a sales coordinator for a textbook publisher. It was an okay job, but I could walk to work and was discreetly dating a co-worker. Ruth was the woman who ran the department... she was a member of the Junior League, was very  rigid, steely-eyed, drove a shiny, red convertible & ran a tight ship. She seemed to have favorites and she made it clear from day one that I wouldn't ever be one of them. My immediate supervisor was an older woman named Kathy, who had been there forever and was sweet, but was completely beholden to the department head. I did my work well, supporting field sales reps and tried to get along with everyone... Except for an androgynous girl named Kelly, who I suspected was a lesbian, and one of Ruth's pets. She also HATED the fact that I was dating a guy from another department, who she was friends with and was clearly very protective of. I'm not sure what her seething, inner jealousy & insecurity did to her brain, but she developed more and more of an attitude towards me as the months progressed. Then, one day, my boss Kathy, who had been acting nervous and strange all morning, told me to go to Ruth's office for a meeting, which confused me, but I went. Sitting behind her desk, perfectly coiffed, in a power suit was Ruth, glaring at me, with someone from HR sitting beside her. It was a total ambush and I was gobsmacked when they told me to sign a paper stating that I had violated a company "ethics" rule and was being let go because of it. I asked them to specify WHICH ethics rule I had violated, which they weren't expecting. Ruth totally evaded the question and again asked me to sign the paper. My mind and heart were racing, because I knew this whole scenario was very wrong, but I felt powerless to do anything. I signed the paper, walked numbly back to my desk, put some things in a box and was escorted to the elevator by Kathy. I did notice Kelly chuckling at the scene, but I refrained from smacking her. Just like that, I was out. When I reached the lobby, one of the super-nice ladies from our group, who seemed fond of me, was coming in from lunch and asked me where I was going, I told her "I just got fired.", then I burst into tears & walked home. I did, however, get some measure of vengeance, by marrying the guy I had met & dated while at this job and I made sure to send a wedding announcement to both Kathy & Ruth via e-mail, because after being screwed so suddenly and badly, I wanted them to know that they didn't get the best of me, so I figured why the f@ck not?!

My second "big" post-college job was as a marketing coordinator, within the marketing department of the corporate headquarters of a well-established, 50 year-old company. When I started, my boss Tom was a very laid-back guy, with no desire to manage or train, he just wanted to hide out in his basement level video production room and do his thing. About a year into my tenure, a very ambitious lady named Dawn took over as the Marketing VP. She was driven, hyper, loved by upper management and didn't like the fact that I'd question things. She wanted a "yes" person, because that was what she was, when it came to her bosses. I did countless project timelines for her that would get blown because some Senior VP let something sit on his desk for 2 weeks, leaving my team to scramble and stress to get projects done for end dates that never moved, despite the scope changes. I busted my ass, but things went really south after I announced that I was pregnant... Dawn started asking me if I had any interest in "other" areas of the business, which I really didn't, but I played her game of talking to other influential people in nearby departments. I was naive to the fact that she was trying to "offload" me from the department (probably because I was making over $50K and she could save $ by cutting me loose and bringing in a younger person, in an administrative capacity, who she could pay far less). Needless to say, I had complications during my pregnancy, so I had a scheduled c-section in late July, took my 3 month maternity leave, came back in October, had further complications (mainly post-partum depression), which I had to take more short-term disability time off for and then returned in early December. Dawn clearly didn't give a damn about my pregnancy complications, but kept me on through the end of December (to cover people on their holiday breaks). I'll never forget coming into the office on January 2nd at 8:30 AM, sitting down at my desk and not five minutes after that, getting a call from the HR director to "come down to her office. I made my way down to her office, where my boss was sitting, actually "lying in wait". I sat there, silent, willing myself not to look at or reach over and strangle Dawn. The HR lady (known internally as "The Angel of Death") looked at me and said, "You don't look surprised to be here.", I replied with, "I'm not.". Dawn then went on to explain how they were going to be "restructuring" the department, which is why she had tried to find a spot for me somewhere else, but unfortunately, my position was going to be eliminated, blah, blah, blah... Papers were given to me to sign, which I did, since I was owed a few weeks of vacation pay and would be able to file for unemployment, since this was technically a "layoff"... I was angry, bitter & very hurt, because Dawn had clearly been planning my demise for months, during which time I had a baby and some serious health issues... How could any woman with a heart or a soul do this to another woman?... The answer was easy, she had neither. So, after 3 + years of hard work,  I went home to my 3-month old baby, lived for awhile on unemployment checks and my husband's salary, while I plotted my next move.

I made several "next moves" and one summer found myself working in a seriously affluent suburb as an account coordinator in the tiny offices of an academic services company. I had been REALLY excited about the opportunity to work for a small, privately owned business, run by a woman with a PhD, who was also a clinical psychologist. For the first 2 weeks of my tenure, "Laura" was on vacation, so the other new account coordinator and I were supposed to be "speed-trained" by the 2 ladies who were moving on from their positions. They were both nice enough, but I soon noticed an odd dynamic, where they seemed very protective of Laura, but also made a lot of excuses for why things were done the way they were. Things got even more weird when Laura returned, expecting me to know everything about her business and nitpicking everything I did to death. She was a classic "seagull" manager, who would delegate tasks, then days later would swoop in, shit all over everything, then fly away. Laura was also a total narcissist AND a moody, condescending control freak with entitlement issues (BAD combo). She WAS a brilliant person, but a terrible businesswoman / manager. She undermined & overthought every project she wanted done. She even critiqued the way I took notes during meetings!  Finally, after 3 months of it, when she came at me during a team meeting, I suggested that I'd be better off not working there any longer, handed her my office keys and walked out the door (much to the dismay of my sweet, sobbing co-worker). I think she was shocked at my departure and of course claimed zero responsibility for her part in that decision, but I was just DONE. Needless to say, I wasn't the first, nor the last, in a long list of former employees. One of them even told me there was a Facebook page for them to "vent" about their experiences working for her... That bit of information validated everything for me.

My most recent encounter was at a small, privately owned publisher, where I was a sales assistant for a female sales director. The money was not even what the average salary for a position like that in my area, but the job sounded interesting and it afforded me a 6 minute commute (and I came to find out that the other sales assistants and a few other folks from different departments were a great bunch of people, who were a big support). I had reservations about working for another woman, but decided to give it a try. Veronica was all about herself, not team-oriented and incredibly hands-off... so much so, that she rarely ventured out of her office. And when she did leave, it was for meetings with higher-ups or to talk with other sales directors. Mingling with the "little people" was not her style, nor was personal interaction, so she pretty much communicated everything via e-mail (which is how I got my birthday greeting, because walking over to my office was simply too much for her). I had actually replaced 2 people and was also supposed to be assisting a sales manager, but rarely could, since Veronica had me going from the moment I walked in the door, until it was time to go home. My "training" was done by other people in the office, which I found odd, but it became apparent that she neither knew, nor wanted to know about the duties of her assistant. She was also quite fond of endless spreadsheets, grids and complicated PPTs, that had no standard templates, since they were customized for each of her 13 client accounts. And since the company was using ancient, DOS software (yes, you read that right) to manage projects, inventory, sales, etc., I had to duplicate information many, many times for many different uses. I wasn't once asked to be part of a client meeting or given any access to decision makers in her absence. Yet, I busted my ass for this woman, particularly when she had big, important meetings, which required PPTs, printed copies of PPTs, art files, pricing info, samples of product and packing the samples for her to take. I got my first review about 9 months into my tenure and it was the most negative, unprofessional review I've ever had... it was SO lame that even the HR director had words with her about it afterwards (a fact I learned later on). The only thing I remember about it (other than utter disbelief) was saying to her at the end, "So Veronica, is there anything positive you have to say about my performance?", to which she replied, "Well, I like talking to you."... I was truly gobsmacked. Thankfully, 4 months later I got a great job offer for a significantly higher salary, with a company that I knew would be a much better fit (and had an amazing, accomplished, down-to-earth, nice, woman President). I can't even tell you how satisfying it was to give Veronica my 2 weeks notice!

Honorable Mentions

During a short stint as a contract project coordinator for an educational company, I sat in a meeting with the woman in charge of the creative group that I was part of, along with the marketing team. Towards the end of the meeting, I dared to ask a question to one of the marketing folks... Minutes after the meeting, I was summoned into the office of the Director CJ (a very accomplished, yet arrogant & unapproachable black woman, who I'd barely interacted with)... She fired me on the spot, assuming that my question was an attempt to somehow usurp her authority and I had stepped out of line as a mere contractor by acting  "above my station", because I clearly wanted to be a manager. I tried to have a rational discussion with her, but her snap judgment had been cast, so I literally sat there, shaking my head at her seriously wrong, totally reactionary response. She then had the audacity to ask me if I needed help or boxes to pack up my stuff... I told her no, grabbed what little I had on my desk, said goodbye to one of my awesome, British co-workers (who was equally astounded as I was) and walked out the door. I called the agency, who I had been hired through & went off on the account manager I had been working with, because this woman's treatment of me was so unbelievably bitchy, since she clearly had an axe to grind & did it in my face!... Needless to say, I NEVER took another job through that agency & to this day, wouldn't recommend that anyone work with them.

I once had an interview at a small, local company that makes digital photography keepsakes. The management team that I had the initial interview with seemed to really like me & brought me back for a second interview with the CEO. She was a very direct, ambitious, driven, Filipina chick, who was clearly not someone that plays well with other women, because anyone smarter or as capable as her would be a threat... She proceeded to grill me and completely shred my resume, as the horrified management team looked on. I'm sure they actually wanted to hire me, but got cockblocked by their CEO. It was THE worst interview experience I've ever had & I distinctly remember getting a very spiky, snippy response from her after I sent a nice, professional post-interview "thank you" e-mail. I didn't get the job & just laughed, while feeling very thankful that I didn't have to work for a company run by a modern-day Cersei Lannister.

However...there IS a silver lining to having dealt with all of these horrid women... I learned how NOT to be in the professional world, I learned that the myth of "sisterhood" in the workplace, is just that... a myth. I learned to be my own advocate and support... I learned that being a smart, attractive, capable Beta-female was seen as a serious threat to deeply  insecure Alpha-females. I learned that there's a certain type of manipulative, undermining, power-play BS that women do to other woman, which I have ZERO tolerance for... And mostly, I learned that despite everything, it wasn't ME. I wasn't the problem. I was never the problem.

Stay tuned for Horrible Bosses: The Male Edition, coming soon!

My Life As A Failed Prop Mistress

Several years ago, I was involved in a local Young Actor’s Theatre that put on plays & American musicals. They always needed adult actresses & I had been doing theatre / musicals since I was a kid. My first time out, I was cast as Mrs. Paroo in “The Music Man”, which I played with a full-on Irish accent. It was a great show & a great time.

Three years later, I auditioned for their production of “The Sound Of Music” with my daughter (who was finally old enough to be in a production). I was cast as the Baroness & my daughter was cast as the youngest Von Trapp child, Gretl. In addition to doing the role, I volunteered to help with props. I was meticulous in my work & even took the time to find a color copy of an authentic WWII Nazi telegram, which I then made into an actual telegram, that opened  & had a message. I also created some very authentic looking programs for the Von Trapp singers concert & hand-made delicate Fimo clay pastries, set atop a doily on a sliver tray. I found flameless candles for the Abbey and brought in a patchwork quilt for Maria’s bed & added numerous other props.

Meanwhile, the show was double cast (so all of the kids could have a role), which was a HUGE pain in the ass. The original Maria bailed, so the director had to find a replacement, who turned out to be fabulous. The other Baroness was a senior in high school & dating Captain Von Trapp, who was also the same age. I could tell that she didn’t like having a grown woman dance & act with her bf, but that’s show biz, kid! During a break in one rehearsal, she had a total meltdown in a bathroom because this was her last show, she was graduating from high school, going off to college, having off-stage drama with the bf & was just generally losing her shit. I was upset & tried to comfort her, to no avail. The director had also hired a very crappy musical director, who couldn't seem to find the time to have rehearsals or work one on one with any of the cast. Our leader seemed totally uninspired with the entire production, so his direction was slim to none. It was a disaster.

On top of that, the costume designer was a total terror... She was clearly in way over her head, by having to create costumes for the double cast roles & work at her day job. She gave the other Baroness some very pretty dresses to wear, but I got ill-fitting, shlumpadinka ones that looked hideous. A zipper busted on one of them, so I had to wear one of my own 40’s style dresses for one performance, which she was NOT amused with. Several times I heard her chastising young cast members about their costumes, which was just mean & very uncool. But, she saved the best for last & for me…

After the very last performance, when we were all changing back into our own clothes for the cast party, I went to go hang up one of the horrible dresses she made and she decided to accost me as I was exiting the dressing room. As I was heading down the stairs to the backstage area, she stood at the top of the stairs, screaming her lungs out about what a “horrible person” I was & how "she knew I broke the zipper on the dress on purpose”, blah, blah, blah. I just stood at the bottom of the stairs, shaking my head, as kids were trying to get down the stairs past her… I’m sure everyone in the dressing rooms & backstage (including my daughter) could hear her totally unprofessional, insane tirade… I fired back with, “You’re REALLY lucky I’m at the bottom of these stairs, honey!”, then I turned on my heel & went into the wings to collect my props. My face was burning & my hands were shaking in rage. I didn’t even want to go to the cast party, but decided to go, because I didn’t want to give this bitch the satisfaction of knowing she’d upset me. The party was really for the kids, so I sat there, alternately glaring at & ignoring the director & his vile pal, the costumer.

But the very worst thing for me was the fact that the printed program was chock full of typos & name spelling errors… Most notably the lack of MY name as prop mistress. I’m not sure if that was done on purpose or by accident, but it pissed me off tremendously. It basically added insult to injury over what I thought would be a fun, memorable theatre experience. But you know what they say… The show must go on!

My Personal Holocaust

It's been a very long time since I've posted here, but I finally gathered my thoughts about some profound recent and past experiences... 

So, yesterday, I took my daughter to the Illinois Holocaust Museum, because she is very interested in WWII history and the Holocaust. I was indoctrinated at a very early age (being a Jewish kid, who went to Hebrew school, where Holocaust education is a massive part of the American post WWII Jewish psyche)... I was hesitant to go on many levels, but I also wanted my daughter to know about this terrible time in world history, which I could never properly convey with mere words.

This was really the first time I had been inside. Eight years ago, before the musem officially opened to the public, I had been hired as the administrative assistant to the Director and I was THRILLED to be fulfilling my dream of working in a museum! That dream very quickly turned into a nightmare, because the Director, who was a highly strategic man, had ZERO interpersonal skills and never spent any time forging a good working relationship with me or offering any real direction or details on his expectations.I was basically operating in a vacuum, with no guidance or real communication, which was a recipe for disaster and a total set-up for failure. Add to that the fact that the all-female staff was arranged in an open workspace, with rows of desks. I was in the very first row, so everyone behind me (educational coordinators, PR & fundraising folks & 2 young girls who's jobs I have yet to figure out) watched my every move, all day long, which was unnerving, to say the least. I was never made to feel like part of the team & each day was like walking into a nest of vipers!

I also got to see the reality of the behind-the-scenes drama that was intrinsically linked to this museum... It was supposed to be about preserving the memory of Holocaust survivors and their stories, as well as a glorious, new home for the original museum, which was started by actual survivors in a small, storefront in the 70's. It was also supposed to serve as an education center, for not just the Holocaust, but other genocides. I very quickly realized that the whole thing was basically a vanity project for the famous, megalomaniac architect, the Director (who had been a big shot at the Anti-Defamation League), the wealthy investors (some of whom were actual survivors and museum Board members that had done really well for themselves in post-war America), the Holocaust scholars / academics, who were advisors on the project, and the main, VERY wealthy & well-connected patron, from a high-profile, philanthropic Chicago family. I sat in on meetings where the clash of egos among these folks was so great, that I was amazed their heads all fit in the same room!

I will NEVER forget the rainy, opening day, when they did a dedication ceremony (which got national & local media coverage), with ALL of the above mentioned people sat on the stage, while former President, Bill Clinton gave they keynote address. NONE of the actual survivors (except for the wealthy, big shots on the Board of the museum) were up on that stage! They were relegated to the back rows, since many of them were quite elderly, in wheelchairs and using canes or walkers. That left a lasting impression on me, because I felt that THEY should've been the honored guests on the stage... It was shameful & deplorable, to say the least!

About 2 months into my tenure, I was sacked at the end of a particularly busy day, with no real explanation as to why. I was in utter shock & disbelief, and as I numbly packed up the personal items on my desk into a box, the Director and Assistant Director stood at the back of the room, unable to even make eye-contact with me. I left my office keys and badge on my desk and did the literal walk of shame out the door. I held it together until I got into my car & then completely lost my shit. I don't even know how I was able to drive myself home. I vowed NEVER to go to the museum or contribute a dime to it's coffers.

With eight years of perspective under my belt, I softened my resolve and paid the $18 admission for my daughter & I (which is actually a significant number to us Jews, as numerologically, 18 in Hebrew means "Chai" or "Life". The exhibits are actually well-done and their library is impressive (I had actually ordered some books on genocide and Judaica to gift to the museum on behalf of my Dad, but ended up cancelling, due to my ill-treatment by the management). I'm sure they do very good work there, from a programming & educational standpoint, but I have to say that I find it a bit reprehensible that when you come out of the main exhibit, you are directly in front of a gift shop, where books, mementos & trinkets are for sale at inflated prices. Then again, profits have to be made, right? Even at the expense of the Holocaust, because, the "selling" of it is just business, after all!

I Am From Mars, Women Are From Venus

This has been rattling around in my brain for quite awhile and it's spring, so here goes...

I have always had a tenuous time with female friendships ever since I can remember. I've always gotten along better with males from the time I was a little tomboy, through being a "little sister" at a fraternity... I've always been more comfortable being a 'guy's girl'. Maybe its because I have never been the jealous, catty, bitchy, backstabbing type. I was never a fan of the game playing, drama and "mean girl" stuff, that I see women perpetuating even into adulthood. If guys have issues with another guy, they beat the crap out of each other, shake hands & it's done. Girls on the other hand, will engage in grudge-holding and intricate forms of psychological torture with each other. Is it our hormones? Our DNA? Our nature, that pre-disposes most of us to behave like total c-words to each other?... I have NEVER understood why!

"We have witnessed deadly aggression between female wolves since the seventies. Why do females tend to be less tolerant of each other as they mature? Our observations at the Park and in discussions with other facilities point to females being much more intolerant of each other than males are of other males. The intensity of aggression also tends to be much greater between females. I suspect that female pack members may be under selection pressure to behave in this manner. Females may also have naturally selected "incentive" to disperse of which they are not conscious. Monty Sloan summed up his observations with a little poem: "Males are wonderful, males are nice, males are made of sugar and spice. Females are awful. Females are mean. Females will bite you, and rip out your spleen.". " - From: WOLF PARK NEWS, The Quarterly Newsletter of The North American Wildlife Park Foundation. Vol. 27 No. 1 - Winter 2000

I have been horribly betrayed by female friends throughout my life (including 2 Lisas, 2 Leslies, a Joan, a Jennifer and a Lara), which makes me extremely leery and distrustful. Not to mention the fact that I have had some truly evil and despicable female bosses, which made me vow NEVER, EVER to work for a woman again. For some women, I guess being stuck in junior high mode never truly ends, because I see it every day in workplace, social & community environments... The need to see and be seen, to judge and criticize, to undermine other women, to constantly brag about how wonderful their lives are in a game of never-ending one-upmanship, to constantly mention how wonderfully smart and advanced their children are, or how committed they are to the cause du jour (as if it were a competitive sport), or how awesome it is that they have a husband who makes enough for them to be a stay-at-home-Mom, so they can Tweet and blog about it all day long, til the kids come home from school, or remind everyone how lucky they are to have SO much love and happiness that their "cups runneth over" (which honestly makes me want to smash their damn cups into a million pieces and utter, "Who gives a shit?!"). 

I personally have never felt the need for such outward validation... Maybe because despite all of the BS I've been through in my life (and there has been a LOT), I have a very healthy sense of self-esteem. I have always taken the road less traveled, which has taken me to some pretty spectacular, and sometimes dark places. I have never taken myself too seriously, and have always maintained a sense of humor about life (which can be totally absurd sometimes). It took me until my 40s to realize that I am my OWN woman, on MY terms and I don't need to compare myself to others to justify anything. I have no use for the smug, self-righteousness that some of these deeply insecure women wrap themselves in like a designer coat. I don't need to be the prettiest, the skinniest, the best-dressed, the smartest or the busiest! I am who I am. I have been to hell and back, and have risen from the ashes again and again, like the fabled Phoenix. I am strong, smart, funny, caring, creative, loyal and I would bend over backwards for any of my close friends in a heartbeat. But, I am also someone who you don't want to cross swords with. I tend to have a "one strike and you're out" policy, which is admittedly one of my big, personal flaws. I have a very low tolerance for BS, lies and manipulative behavior. I am quick to anger and slow to forgive. I love deeply and get hurt easily. I can be your best friend, or walk away without a backwards glance. 

I consider myself very fortunate to know some truly amazing women, and call them friends (you know who you are, ladies). Recently, I was informed that one of my old bffs from high school REALLY wanted to "reconnect" through a mutual friend and the magic of Facebook. This is someone who betrayed me so badly, and hurt me so deeply (which I later realized was because of her own deep-rooted jealousy and insecurities) that I am wary of female friendships to this day. I realized that I was suddenly in a position of strength, with the wisdom and insight of many years under the bridge to reflect, and ponder this choice. I could rekindle the friendship on a more adult level, catch up on 20-something years of being out of touch and perhaps be the bigger person... But, really, what was the point?! I didn't need this toxic person's friendship and I certainly didn't have much in common with her at this point in our lives. My response was this... "I'd rather pry my kneecaps off with a screwdriver, so no thanks!" Then I ate some chocolate, helped my daughter make a poster for school and watched a movie with my husband, who is also my best friend... The end.