Horrible Bosses: Female Edition

I have NEVER had a good female boss... Ever.

I don't know what happened to all of that "female empowerment & sisterhood" stuff, but it's not something I've ever experienced in the workplace. In fact, mine is a cautionary tale on the very worst of female behavior towards other females. Probably doesn't help that I'm an archetypal "Beta" wolf, which means that I'm very comfortable not being in charge, but supporting someone who is, all the while knowing I'm just one kill away from being the "Alpha".

Back in my day (we're talking the  middle-class suburbia of the 80's), you got a part time job when you were 16 or 17, at the point where your parents were sick of giving you spending money for everything, so you could earn your OWN money. The main choice of employment opportunity was either retail or fast food. I chose retail. My first job was in the accessories department at a brand new department store at the local mall, called "MainStreet" (predecessor to Kohl's). I quickly tired of scarves, gloves, hats, belts, purses & umbrellas & moved over to the jewelry section, which was a bit of a step up. Most of my friends worked in the juniors department and they had a very cool, laid back manager named Dave. My boss, Pat, was a bitchy, large woman, with little empathy for her young part-timer staff members... she favored the more serious, full-time ladies on her team, since we were "dispensable". The one and only time I ever got in trouble was when a carton of accessories items was left in the warehouse area and it apparently contained some diamond earrings... I had NO idea how or why it got there, but one of the older ladies on the team (who had a giant stick up her ass) noticed it, reported it to Pat and then named me as the culprit. Pat then chewed me out and wrote me up for it, having zero proof that "I" was actually the one responsible. I was in high school, so I really didn't give a shit, because I was part-time & probably only making $5 an hour, with my sights set on going off to college after the summer. C'est la vie.

During my college summer breaks, I also worked at various retail places to make money for the school year. I remember working for an insanely hyper, moody, blonde chick named Kris at a store that sold museum quality items. My female co-workers were lovely, but she was not. I hated not knowing what kind of mood she'd be in from day-to-day, so I preferred the younger, sweeter Assistant Manager, Bettina, who was secretly carrying on an affair with a district manager, that she eventually left her husband for, to run off with him to California, where he was opening more stores. I quit that place and went to work for a natural beauty product chain (which had been started by a very cool woman in London). I did love their products and the fact that I got to do makeovers on customers, but the franchised store was owned by 2 Canadian sisters, who were VERY intense, especially when they scrutinized me on the selling floor. Once, after doing a closing shift, one of the sisters was the manager on duty & couldn't get the outer metal screen door shut & locked (the store was in a mall), so she started cursing & swearing "For fuck's sake!", which made me giggle. The sisters weren't interested in investing in the girls on their team, they were all about the bottom line and despite being well-liked by customers & co-workers, they canned me (I don't even remember what the reason was) and gave me the parting gift of picking a product from the store, so I chose the most expensive tub of mango body butter I could find. That thing lasted me for 2 years!

Once I graduated college, but still had no idea what I really wanted to do career-wise, I took a job as a visual merchandiser at a local department store chain (since by now, I had a solid background in retail). In some ways, it was really fun and interesting, since each store had a dedicated team, with access to a massive warehouse of mannequins, props, etc. which we used to create "themed" displays. I had gotten the job through some retail connections, and the woman in charge was an inscrutable lady named Carla, who was nice, but certainly not a "mentor" figure. I learned everything by trial and error, since there was no formal training. The team I was part of was nice and we were led by a super-gay manager named Jim (who also had zero management or training skills). The one thing I remember about Carla was a brainstorming meeting we had about patriotic ideas for displays, where she burst into tears over the fact that the Gulf War had recently started.  I was shocked to see her be so emotional. Later that day, I was finishing up a very cool window display, when I plugged a glue gun into an outlet, which sparked, and threw me back against a wall, with a shock from some serious electrical voltage. I still have a mini portfolio of pictures of my work, which really wasn't half-bad!

My first "real" corporate job was as a sales coordinator for a textbook publisher. It was an okay job, but I could walk to work and was discreetly dating a co-worker. Ruth was the woman who ran the department... she was a member of the Junior League, was very  rigid, steely-eyed, drove a shiny, red convertible & ran a tight ship. She seemed to have favorites and she made it clear from day one that I wouldn't ever be one of them. My immediate supervisor was an older woman named Kathy, who had been there forever and was sweet, but was completely beholden to the department head. I did my work well, supporting field sales reps and tried to get along with everyone... Except for an androgynous girl named Kelly, who I suspected was a lesbian, and one of Ruth's pets. She also HATED the fact that I was dating a guy from another department, who she was friends with and was clearly very protective of. I'm not sure what her seething, inner jealousy & insecurity did to her brain, but she developed more and more of an attitude towards me as the months progressed. Then, one day, my boss Kathy, who had been acting nervous and strange all morning, told me to go to Ruth's office for a meeting, which confused me, but I went. Sitting behind her desk, perfectly coiffed, in a power suit was Ruth, glaring at me, with someone from HR sitting beside her. It was a total ambush and I was gobsmacked when they told me to sign a paper stating that I had violated a company "ethics" rule and was being let go because of it. I asked them to specify WHICH ethics rule I had violated, which they weren't expecting. Ruth totally evaded the question and again asked me to sign the paper. My mind and heart were racing, because I knew this whole scenario was very wrong, but I felt powerless to do anything. I signed the paper, walked numbly back to my desk, put some things in a box and was escorted to the elevator by Kathy. I did notice Kelly chuckling at the scene, but I refrained from smacking her. Just like that, I was out. When I reached the lobby, one of the super-nice ladies from our group, who seemed fond of me, was coming in from lunch and asked me where I was going, I told her "I just got fired.", then I burst into tears & walked home. I did, however, get some measure of vengeance, by marrying the guy I had met & dated while at this job and I made sure to send a wedding announcement to both Kathy & Ruth via e-mail, because after being screwed so suddenly and badly, I wanted them to know that they didn't get the best of me, so I figured why the f@ck not?!

My second "big" post-college job was as a marketing coordinator, within the marketing department of the corporate headquarters of a well-established, 50 year-old company. When I started, my boss Tom was a very laid-back guy, with no desire to manage or train, he just wanted to hide out in his basement level video production room and do his thing. About a year into my tenure, a very ambitious lady named Dawn took over as the Marketing VP. She was driven, hyper, loved by upper management and didn't like the fact that I'd question things. She wanted a "yes" person, because that was what she was, when it came to her bosses. I did countless project timelines for her that would get blown because some Senior VP let something sit on his desk for 2 weeks, leaving my team to scramble and stress to get projects done for end dates that never moved, despite the scope changes. I busted my ass, but things went really south after I announced that I was pregnant... Dawn started asking me if I had any interest in "other" areas of the business, which I really didn't, but I played her game of talking to other influential people in nearby departments. I was naive to the fact that she was trying to "offload" me from the department (probably because I was making over $50K and she could save $ by cutting me loose and bringing in a younger person, in an administrative capacity, who she could pay far less). Needless to say, I had complications during my pregnancy, so I had a scheduled c-section in late July, took my 3 month maternity leave, came back in October, had further complications (mainly post-partum depression), which I had to take more short-term disability time off for and then returned in early December. Dawn clearly didn't give a damn about my pregnancy complications, but kept me on through the end of December (to cover people on their holiday breaks). I'll never forget coming into the office on January 2nd at 8:30 AM, sitting down at my desk and not five minutes after that, getting a call from the HR director to "come down to her office. I made my way down to her office, where my boss was sitting, actually "lying in wait". I sat there, silent, willing myself not to look at or reach over and strangle Dawn. The HR lady (known internally as "The Angel of Death") looked at me and said, "You don't look surprised to be here.", I replied with, "I'm not.". Dawn then went on to explain how they were going to be "restructuring" the department, which is why she had tried to find a spot for me somewhere else, but unfortunately, my position was going to be eliminated, blah, blah, blah... Papers were given to me to sign, which I did, since I was owed a few weeks of vacation pay and would be able to file for unemployment, since this was technically a "layoff"... I was angry, bitter & very hurt, because Dawn had clearly been planning my demise for months, during which time I had a baby and some serious health issues... How could any woman with a heart or a soul do this to another woman?... The answer was easy, she had neither. So, after 3 + years of hard work,  I went home to my 3-month old baby, lived for awhile on unemployment checks and my husband's salary, while I plotted my next move.

I made several "next moves" and one summer found myself working in a seriously affluent suburb as an account coordinator in the tiny offices of an academic services company. I had been REALLY excited about the opportunity to work for a small, privately owned business, run by a woman with a PhD, who was also a clinical psychologist. For the first 2 weeks of my tenure, "Laura" was on vacation, so the other new account coordinator and I were supposed to be "speed-trained" by the 2 ladies who were moving on from their positions. They were both nice enough, but I soon noticed an odd dynamic, where they seemed very protective of Laura, but also made a lot of excuses for why things were done the way they were. Things got even more weird when Laura returned, expecting me to know everything about her business and nitpicking everything I did to death. She was a classic "seagull" manager, who would delegate tasks, then days later would swoop in, shit all over everything, then fly away. Laura was also a total narcissist AND a moody, condescending control freak with entitlement issues (BAD combo). She WAS a brilliant person, but a terrible businesswoman / manager. She undermined & overthought every project she wanted done. She even critiqued the way I took notes during meetings!  Finally, after 3 months of it, when she came at me during a team meeting, I suggested that I'd be better off not working there any longer, handed her my office keys and walked out the door (much to the dismay of my sweet, sobbing co-worker). I think she was shocked at my departure and of course claimed zero responsibility for her part in that decision, but I was just DONE. Needless to say, I wasn't the first, nor the last, in a long list of former employees. One of them even told me there was a Facebook page for them to "vent" about their experiences working for her... That bit of information validated everything for me.

My most recent encounter was at a small, privately owned publisher, where I was a sales assistant for a female sales director. The money was not even what the average salary for a position like that in my area, but the job sounded interesting and it afforded me a 6 minute commute (and I came to find out that the other sales assistants and a few other folks from different departments were a great bunch of people, who were a big support). I had reservations about working for another woman, but decided to give it a try. Veronica was all about herself, not team-oriented and incredibly hands-off... so much so, that she rarely ventured out of her office. And when she did leave, it was for meetings with higher-ups or to talk with other sales directors. Mingling with the "little people" was not her style, nor was personal interaction, so she pretty much communicated everything via e-mail (which is how I got my birthday greeting, because walking over to my office was simply too much for her). I had actually replaced 2 people and was also supposed to be assisting a sales manager, but rarely could, since Veronica had me going from the moment I walked in the door, until it was time to go home. My "training" was done by other people in the office, which I found odd, but it became apparent that she neither knew, nor wanted to know about the duties of her assistant. She was also quite fond of endless spreadsheets, grids and complicated PPTs, that had no standard templates, since they were customized for each of her 13 client accounts. And since the company was using ancient, DOS software (yes, you read that right) to manage projects, inventory, sales, etc., I had to duplicate information many, many times for many different uses. I wasn't once asked to be part of a client meeting or given any access to decision makers in her absence. Yet, I busted my ass for this woman, particularly when she had big, important meetings, which required PPTs, printed copies of PPTs, art files, pricing info, samples of product and packing the samples for her to take. I got my first review about 9 months into my tenure and it was the most negative, unprofessional review I've ever had... it was SO lame that even the HR director had words with her about it afterwards (a fact I learned later on). The only thing I remember about it (other than utter disbelief) was saying to her at the end, "So Veronica, is there anything positive you have to say about my performance?", to which she replied, "Well, I like talking to you."... I was truly gobsmacked. Thankfully, 4 months later I got a great job offer for a significantly higher salary, with a company that I knew would be a much better fit (and had an amazing, accomplished, down-to-earth, nice, woman President). I can't even tell you how satisfying it was to give Veronica my 2 weeks notice!

Honorable Mentions

During a short stint as a contract project coordinator for an educational company, I sat in a meeting with the woman in charge of the creative group that I was part of, along with the marketing team. Towards the end of the meeting, I dared to ask a question to one of the marketing folks... Minutes after the meeting, I was summoned into the office of the Director CJ (a very accomplished, yet arrogant & unapproachable black woman, who I'd barely interacted with)... She fired me on the spot, assuming that my question was an attempt to somehow usurp her authority and I had stepped out of line as a mere contractor by acting  "above my station", because I clearly wanted to be a manager. I tried to have a rational discussion with her, but her snap judgment had been cast, so I literally sat there, shaking my head at her seriously wrong, totally reactionary response. She then had the audacity to ask me if I needed help or boxes to pack up my stuff... I told her no, grabbed what little I had on my desk, said goodbye to one of my awesome, British co-workers (who was equally astounded as I was) and walked out the door. I called the agency, who I had been hired through & went off on the account manager I had been working with, because this woman's treatment of me was so unbelievably bitchy, since she clearly had an axe to grind & did it in my face!... Needless to say, I NEVER took another job through that agency & to this day, wouldn't recommend that anyone work with them.

I once had an interview at a small, local company that makes digital photography keepsakes. The management team that I had the initial interview with seemed to really like me & brought me back for a second interview with the CEO. She was a very direct, ambitious, driven, Filipina chick, who was clearly not someone that plays well with other women, because anyone smarter or as capable as her would be a threat... She proceeded to grill me and completely shred my resume, as the horrified management team looked on. I'm sure they actually wanted to hire me, but got cockblocked by their CEO. It was THE worst interview experience I've ever had & I distinctly remember getting a very spiky, snippy response from her after I sent a nice, professional post-interview "thank you" e-mail. I didn't get the job & just laughed, while feeling very thankful that I didn't have to work for a company run by a modern-day Cersei Lannister.

However...there IS a silver lining to having dealt with all of these horrid women... I learned how NOT to be in the professional world, I learned that the myth of "sisterhood" in the workplace, is just that... a myth. I learned to be my own advocate and support... I learned that being a smart, attractive, capable Beta-female was seen as a serious threat to deeply  insecure Alpha-females. I learned that there's a certain type of manipulative, undermining, power-play BS that women do to other woman, which I have ZERO tolerance for... And mostly, I learned that despite everything, it wasn't ME. I wasn't the problem. I was never the problem.

Stay tuned for Horrible Bosses: The Male Edition, coming soon!

My Life As A Failed Prop Mistress

Several years ago, I was involved in a local Young Actor’s Theatre that put on plays & American musicals. They always needed adult actresses & I had been doing theatre / musicals since I was a kid. My first time out, I was cast as Mrs. Paroo in “The Music Man”, which I played with a full-on Irish accent. It was a great show & a great time.

Three years later, I auditioned for their production of “The Sound Of Music” with my daughter (who was finally old enough to be in a production). I was cast as the Baroness & my daughter was cast as the youngest Von Trapp child, Gretl. In addition to doing the role, I volunteered to help with props. I was meticulous in my work & even took the time to find a color copy of an authentic WWII Nazi telegram, which I then made into an actual telegram, that opened  & had a message. I also created some very authentic looking programs for the Von Trapp singers concert & hand-made delicate Fimo clay pastries, set atop a doily on a sliver tray. I found flameless candles for the Abbey and brought in a patchwork quilt for Maria’s bed & added numerous other props.

Meanwhile, the show was double cast (so all of the kids could have a role), which was a HUGE pain in the ass. The original Maria bailed, so the director had to find a replacement, who turned out to be fabulous. The other Baroness was a senior in high school & dating Captain Von Trapp, who was also the same age. I could tell that she didn’t like having a grown woman dance & act with her bf, but that’s show biz, kid! During a break in one rehearsal, she had a total meltdown in a bathroom because this was her last show, she was graduating from high school, going off to college, having off-stage drama with the bf & was just generally losing her shit. I was upset & tried to comfort her, to no avail. The director had also hired a very crappy musical director, who couldn't seem to find the time to have rehearsals or work one on one with any of the cast. Our leader seemed totally uninspired with the entire production, so his direction was slim to none. It was a disaster.

On top of that, the costume designer was a total terror... She was clearly in way over her head, by having to create costumes for the double cast roles & work at her day job. She gave the other Baroness some very pretty dresses to wear, but I got ill-fitting, shlumpadinka ones that looked hideous. A zipper busted on one of them, so I had to wear one of my own 40’s style dresses for one performance, which she was NOT amused with. Several times I heard her chastising young cast members about their costumes, which was just mean & very uncool. But, she saved the best for last & for me…

After the very last performance, when we were all changing back into our own clothes for the cast party, I went to go hang up one of the horrible dresses she made and she decided to accost me as I was exiting the dressing room. As I was heading down the stairs to the backstage area, she stood at the top of the stairs, screaming her lungs out about what a “horrible person” I was & how "she knew I broke the zipper on the dress on purpose”, blah, blah, blah. I just stood at the bottom of the stairs, shaking my head, as kids were trying to get down the stairs past her… I’m sure everyone in the dressing rooms & backstage (including my daughter) could hear her totally unprofessional, insane tirade… I fired back with, “You’re REALLY lucky I’m at the bottom of these stairs, honey!”, then I turned on my heel & went into the wings to collect my props. My face was burning & my hands were shaking in rage. I didn’t even want to go to the cast party, but decided to go, because I didn’t want to give this bitch the satisfaction of knowing she’d upset me. The party was really for the kids, so I sat there, alternately glaring at & ignoring the director & his vile pal, the costumer.

But the very worst thing for me was the fact that the printed program was chock full of typos & name spelling errors… Most notably the lack of MY name as prop mistress. I’m not sure if that was done on purpose or by accident, but it pissed me off tremendously. It basically added insult to injury over what I thought would be a fun, memorable theatre experience. But you know what they say… The show must go on!

My Personal Holocaust

It's been a very long time since I've posted here, but I finally gathered my thoughts about some profound recent and past experiences... 

So, yesterday, I took my daughter to the Illinois Holocaust Museum, because she is very interested in WWII history and the Holocaust. I was indoctrinated at a very early age (being a Jewish kid, who went to Hebrew school, where Holocaust education is a massive part of the American post WWII Jewish psyche)... I was hesitant to go on many levels, but I also wanted my daughter to know about this terrible time in world history, which I could never properly convey with mere words.

This was really the first time I had been inside. Eight years ago, before the musem officially opened to the public, I had been hired as the administrative assistant to the Director and I was THRILLED to be fulfilling my dream of working in a museum! That dream very quickly turned into a nightmare, because the Director, who was a highly strategic man, had ZERO interpersonal skills and never spent any time forging a good working relationship with me or offering any real direction or details on his expectations.I was basically operating in a vacuum, with no guidance or real communication, which was a recipe for disaster and a total set-up for failure. Add to that the fact that the all-female staff was arranged in an open workspace, with rows of desks. I was in the very first row, so everyone behind me (educational coordinators, PR & fundraising folks & 2 young girls who's jobs I have yet to figure out) watched my every move, all day long, which was unnerving, to say the least. I was never made to feel like part of the team & each day was like walking into a nest of vipers!

I also got to see the reality of the behind-the-scenes drama that was intrinsically linked to this museum... It was supposed to be about preserving the memory of Holocaust survivors and their stories, as well as a glorious, new home for the original museum, which was started by actual survivors in a small, storefront in the 70's. It was also supposed to serve as an education center, for not just the Holocaust, but other genocides. I very quickly realized that the whole thing was basically a vanity project for the famous, megalomaniac architect, the Director (who had been a big shot at the Anti-Defamation League), the wealthy investors (some of whom were actual survivors and museum Board members that had done really well for themselves in post-war America), the Holocaust scholars / academics, who were advisors on the project, and the main, VERY wealthy & well-connected patron, from a high-profile, philanthropic Chicago family. I sat in on meetings where the clash of egos among these folks was so great, that I was amazed their heads all fit in the same room!

I will NEVER forget the rainy, opening day, when they did a dedication ceremony (which got national & local media coverage), with ALL of the above mentioned people sat on the stage, while former President, Bill Clinton gave they keynote address. NONE of the actual survivors (except for the wealthy, big shots on the Board of the museum) were up on that stage! They were relegated to the back rows, since many of them were quite elderly, in wheelchairs and using canes or walkers. That left a lasting impression on me, because I felt that THEY should've been the honored guests on the stage... It was shameful & deplorable, to say the least!

About 2 months into my tenure, I was sacked at the end of a particularly busy day, with no real explanation as to why. I was in utter shock & disbelief, and as I numbly packed up the personal items on my desk into a box, the Director and Assistant Director stood at the back of the room, unable to even make eye-contact with me. I left my office keys and badge on my desk and did the literal walk of shame out the door. I held it together until I got into my car & then completely lost my shit. I don't even know how I was able to drive myself home. I vowed NEVER to go to the museum or contribute a dime to it's coffers.

With eight years of perspective under my belt, I softened my resolve and paid the $18 admission for my daughter & I (which is actually a significant number to us Jews, as numerologically, 18 in Hebrew means "Chai" or "Life". The exhibits are actually well-done and their library is impressive (I had actually ordered some books on genocide and Judaica to gift to the museum on behalf of my Dad, but ended up cancelling, due to my ill-treatment by the management). I'm sure they do very good work there, from a programming & educational standpoint, but I have to say that I find it a bit reprehensible that when you come out of the main exhibit, you are directly in front of a gift shop, where books, mementos & trinkets are for sale at inflated prices. Then again, profits have to be made, right? Even at the expense of the Holocaust, because, the "selling" of it is just business, after all!

I Am From Mars, Women Are From Venus

This has been rattling around in my brain for quite awhile and it's spring, so here goes...

I have always had a tenuous time with female friendships ever since I can remember. I've always gotten along better with males from the time I was a little tomboy, through being a "little sister" at a fraternity... I've always been more comfortable being a 'guy's girl'. Maybe its because I have never been the jealous, catty, bitchy, backstabbing type. I was never a fan of the game playing, drama and "mean girl" stuff, that I see women perpetuating even into adulthood. If guys have issues with another guy, they beat the crap out of each other, shake hands & it's done. Girls on the other hand, will engage in grudge-holding and intricate forms of psychological torture with each other. Is it our hormones? Our DNA? Our nature, that pre-disposes most of us to behave like total c-words to each other?... I have NEVER understood why!

"We have witnessed deadly aggression between female wolves since the seventies. Why do females tend to be less tolerant of each other as they mature? Our observations at the Park and in discussions with other facilities point to females being much more intolerant of each other than males are of other males. The intensity of aggression also tends to be much greater between females. I suspect that female pack members may be under selection pressure to behave in this manner. Females may also have naturally selected "incentive" to disperse of which they are not conscious. Monty Sloan summed up his observations with a little poem: "Males are wonderful, males are nice, males are made of sugar and spice. Females are awful. Females are mean. Females will bite you, and rip out your spleen.". " - From: WOLF PARK NEWS, The Quarterly Newsletter of The North American Wildlife Park Foundation. Vol. 27 No. 1 - Winter 2000

I have been horribly betrayed by female friends throughout my life (including 2 Lisas, 2 Leslies, a Joan, a Jennifer and a Lara), which makes me extremely leery and distrustful. Not to mention the fact that I have had some truly evil and despicable female bosses, which made me vow NEVER, EVER to work for a woman again. For some women, I guess being stuck in junior high mode never truly ends, because I see it every day in workplace, social & community environments... The need to see and be seen, to judge and criticize, to undermine other women, to constantly brag about how wonderful their lives are in a game of never-ending one-upmanship, to constantly mention how wonderfully smart and advanced their children are, or how committed they are to the cause du jour (as if it were a competitive sport), or how awesome it is that they have a husband who makes enough for them to be a stay-at-home-Mom, so they can Tweet and blog about it all day long, til the kids come home from school, or remind everyone how lucky they are to have SO much love and happiness that their "cups runneth over" (which honestly makes me want to smash their damn cups into a million pieces and utter, "Who gives a shit?!"). 

I personally have never felt the need for such outward validation... Maybe because despite all of the BS I've been through in my life (and there has been a LOT), I have a very healthy sense of self-esteem. I have always taken the road less traveled, which has taken me to some pretty spectacular, and sometimes dark places. I have never taken myself too seriously, and have always maintained a sense of humor about life (which can be totally absurd sometimes). It took me until my 40s to realize that I am my OWN woman, on MY terms and I don't need to compare myself to others to justify anything. I have no use for the smug, self-righteousness that some of these deeply insecure women wrap themselves in like a designer coat. I don't need to be the prettiest, the skinniest, the best-dressed, the smartest or the busiest! I am who I am. I have been to hell and back, and have risen from the ashes again and again, like the fabled Phoenix. I am strong, smart, funny, caring, creative, loyal and I would bend over backwards for any of my close friends in a heartbeat. But, I am also someone who you don't want to cross swords with. I tend to have a "one strike and you're out" policy, which is admittedly one of my big, personal flaws. I have a very low tolerance for BS, lies and manipulative behavior. I am quick to anger and slow to forgive. I love deeply and get hurt easily. I can be your best friend, or walk away without a backwards glance. 

I consider myself very fortunate to know some truly amazing women, and call them friends (you know who you are, ladies). Recently, I was informed that one of my old bffs from high school REALLY wanted to "reconnect" through a mutual friend and the magic of Facebook. This is someone who betrayed me so badly, and hurt me so deeply (which I later realized was because of her own deep-rooted jealousy and insecurities) that I am wary of female friendships to this day. I realized that I was suddenly in a position of strength, with the wisdom and insight of many years under the bridge to reflect, and ponder this choice. I could rekindle the friendship on a more adult level, catch up on 20-something years of being out of touch and perhaps be the bigger person... But, really, what was the point?! I didn't need this toxic person's friendship and I certainly didn't have much in common with her at this point in our lives. My response was this... "I'd rather pry my kneecaps off with a screwdriver, so no thanks!" Then I ate some chocolate, helped my daughter make a poster for school and watched a movie with my husband, who is also my best friend... The end.

The Childhood My Child Will Never Have

I don't have many regrets in my life, but one that I do have is the fact that I will never be able to replicate for my daughter the kind of childhood I had, and it makes me sad. It was a different, simpler time when I was growing up, and I occasionally wax nostalgic for it...

I grew up in a very middle-class neighborhood made up of rows of townhouses and duplexes. Right behind my row was a park and there was also a basketball court and tennis courts, not far from the park. There were a lot of families with kids, so there was never any lack of playmates. It was the kind of place where neighbors were like family, they borrowed tools, watched each other's kids and helped fix a flat tire or charge a dead car battery. I often spent more time at the neighbor's houses than my own, and that was okay. There were a few jerks in the neighborhood, but mostly everyone was nice.

As a kid, I walked or biked the half mile to grade school and was lucky enough to have a stay-at-home Mom, who would fix lunch for me and was there when I got home from school every day. Back then, a family could live pretty comfortably on one income and most of the families in my neighborhood did. My Dad even had a company car! We weren't rich, but I never felt I was lacking for anything.

Summers were the best though... The days seem to last forever... I could play with friends in our small, fenced-in backyards, ride around the neighborhood in my Schwinn bike, run around in the sprinkler on our tiny front lawn, hop on the free bus and spend the day at the local pool, or even hang out at the park, which was staffed with high school and college age park district counselors, who led a very loose version of "camp" for us local kids. And the ice cream man would always conveniently show up on my street right after dinner time, with his music sending us running for our allowance or Dad's wallet. There would also be movie nights out near the tennis courts, complete with a screen and a projector, so neighborhood residents would shlep out their lawn chairs, blankets, popcorn, drinks and bug spray, while being treated to classics like "Born Free" and "Mary Poppins". 

The rule was that you could basically spend the ENTIRE day outside, come in when your Mom called you for dinner, then go back out to play until it got dark. This was back in the days before video games, cable TV, home computers, cell phones and "Amber Alerts". And if something did happen and you were going to be late getting home, you picked up a rotary dial phone and called home. I have NO idea how our parent's kept track of us, or if they worried about where we were, or whether we were going to be abducted or mangled on the metal playground equipment, but somehow we all survived!

Fast forward about 30-something years... The world has changed and people just don't do things like let their kids walk to school, or stay out all day unattended. Those that do, can easily stay in contact with their kids via up-to-the-minute texts on their super-speedy, internet connected cell phones. As for me, I live in a condo building, so there's no backyard or nearby park for my daughter to play in. No neighborhood kids to pal around with or who's houses she can hang out at. And most "playdates" need to be coordinated months in advance. Her school is across town, so she gets driven or rides the bus. 

The only thing I can really give her are stories about how it used to be back in the "old-days" of the 70's and 80's and hope that maybe someday she'll aspire to giving her own kids an idyllic childhood they'll remember.

Being Okay With Just Being Okay

Yesterday I did not do anything extrordinary. I didn't get a paper or a book published. I didn't get a fabulous new job. I didn't blog or Tweet about changing the world. I didn't go to the gym or lose any weight. I didn't take a trip to a fabulous location. Yesterday I did not do anything extrordinary.

Here's what I did do... At 7 AM I got up, got my daughter fed, dressed and ready, then took her to school (no easy feat with a crabby kindergartener). I did a few hours of work from home via phone and laptop. I paid some bills. I picked up my daughter from school and we went over to my parent's house. I made lunch, did a load of laundry and we hung out with Grandma and Grandpa for a few hours. I coordinated getting a beautiful and most necessary dresser from a very generous friend, who's kids had outgrown it. I stopped by a local Salvation Army store to donate 2 bags of clothes, before heading over to another friend's house for a late afternoon playdate we'd arranged earlier in the week for our kids. I hadn't really planned anything for dinner, so I sent a quick text to the hubby, who picked up some pizza  for us. After dinner, checking e-mails and Facebook, and a few episodes of "Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles", it was suddenly 8 PM, which meant bed time for my daughter. Shortly after that, my friend's husband arrived with the dresser and he and my husband got it into our house. By 9 PM I was tired, but managed to find the energy to watch a TV show I had DVRd a few days earlier. Finally, at 10 PM I went to bed, exhausted from my 15 hour long day.

Yesterday, I did not do anything extrordinary. I did the business of getting through the day. I did it with hands swollen and aching from rheumatoid arthritis and a nagging, low-level of inner anxiety and melancholy humming in my brain. I didn't do anything extrordinary, but I actually accomplished quite a lot. It's easy to forget that the seemingly mundane taks woven into the fabric of my day are what keep me and my family going. Nobody ever gets a medal or congratulations for doing what needs to be done or just making it through the day. It's easy to look around at other people and think that their lives are so much better than yours. It's easy to judge yourself by some impossible standard of "not being good enough". The truth is that we are ALL just trying to make it in this life and the expectation of having to be exceptional and perfect are simply false illusions that noone can ever live up to. Everyone has hardships to deal with in their life... Some more than others. Yesterday I did not do anything extordinary, but I was pretty damn okay. Sometimes, we have to be okay with just being okay... And that's okay!

After a long hiatus, The Schadenfreude Files is BACK!
There are many topics I could rant about, but instead, I'll get you all caught up on things...

How I Spent My Summer Vacation

 - My divorce became final (only took 2.5 years!)
 - I was diagnosed with rheumatoid arthritis (nothing like getting the *real* answer to years of pain)
 - I sent my daughter to day camp for the first time
 - I lost my Medicaid coverage due to state budget cuts (Thanks Governor Quinn!)
 - I suffered through one of the hottest Julys ever recorded in the Chicago area
 - I attended the RESULTS international convention & actually lobbied on Capitol Hill
 - My daughter turned five (time sure flies!)
 - My daughter started kindergarten (OMG!)

This summer isn't quite over yet, so even more exciting & awful things could happen. And here you thought I was going to rant about the GOP!...