"Why Can't I Be Me?"

 I've written about my very complicated relationship with my mother previously, but as I'm working through my grief over her recent death, it's funny the things I recall. I never really understood where the expectations, demands & pressures she put on me came from as a kid, but as an adult, I can look back and see exactly where all of that stemmed from.

When it came to academics, there was never any question as to my intelligence. If there was a subject I excelled at, like reading, writing or art, I always did well. Math was another story entirely, though. It was a language I just couldn't comprehend. Addition, subtraction & multiplication made sense to me, but I saw NO point in doing endless algebraic equations. Geometry, which was a visual representation of an equation or angle, also made perfect sense to me, but anything beyond that, like physics, calculus or higher level stuff made my head spin. I barely passed sohomore Algebra in high school & took a remedial, "business economics" class that actually made far more sense to me, with its practical applications. And despite having math tutors throughought my school career, my mother never understood why I couldn't grasp mathematical concepts... I remember sitting at the kitchen table, crying as I tried to solve homework problems & being berated by both parents for not "getting it." You would think, as a teacher, my mother would've had a little more compassion & understanding that math was clearly NOT one of my brain's intelligences, but alas, no. 

Clearly my forte was in writing, drawing, painting, crafting dioramas, doing plays in the school's theater program (which involved singing, dancing & acting) & anything to do with nature. Yet, instead of building me up & praising my skills in those areas, I was criticized & shamed for not being able to do math. It's mind boggling really, because even the most basic child psychology & parenting books will tell you that praising a kid & reinforcing positive behavior greatly develops a child's self-esteem. I didn't get ANY of that from my parents during my school years. What I got was my mother's expectations laid heavily upon my shoulders.

The comments from the teachers during conferences & on report cards were always basically the same, "Ellen is a very bright girl, but she just needs to apply herself." or "Talks & socializes too much in class". This drove my mother crazy. Because she AND my teachers all recognized the potential that was there, I just lacked the motivation. And my mother's brand of motivation was to tell me, "You could be a straight A student if you wanted to. Why are you so lazy?"... And yet when I DID "perform" at the top of my game on a paper, test, quiz, gymnastics meet or a dance recital or play, it was always, "Well, it was good, but you could've done better.". What I realize now is that those were HER expectations, not mine. She wanted me to conform to those standards, the standards that SHE was held to by her parents. For a long time, I tried to oblige, but after awhile, I just stopped listening, stopped caring, because I KNEW that it took a LOT of guts & talent to do ALL of the things I did excel at, so I stopped wanting & needing her approval. I somehow had the courage & strength to listen to MY inner voice that was telling me I WAS good enough & always had been. I could get up on a stage or a balance beam, in front of HUNDREDS of people, with no fear, no hesitation or shyness & sing with the clear voice of an angel or defy gravity & then stick a landing. THOSE things took guts & a lot of chutzpah!

During my school years, the Jewish & Asian kids were always the smartest & at the upper eschelons of those groups, it was a highly competitive game as to who would have the top ranking. I was smart, but not THAT kind of smart. I remember my mother constantly comparing me to them & holding these kids up as examples of the "gold standard" of academic excellence. One girl in particular, who was always the valedictorian, was held up as perfection personified. Our mothers were friends, but she & I were only periferally friends. After high school, she went on to go to the University of Michigan, graduated with a BA, magna cum laude, went on to law school (I forget where), then made a switch to a Master's in Library Sciences, then ultimately got married, had kids & NEVER even used her advance degrees. I can't even recall how many times my mother asked me why I couldn't be more like HER, and yet, I had NO desire to be like her at all. And as an adult, I am keenly aware of all the pressure that must've been on her to be that valedictorian & to live up to whatever expectations her parents & she herself put on her to be that person. And I recall that one of the last times my mother said, "Why can't you be like Jackie Stern?", my reaction was to spin around, in a very sharp, confrontational way & reply, "Why can't I be like ME?!". And interestingly, she had no response to that, because I had finally silenced that hurtful, damaging, brand of criticism. That comparison was never made again, at least not to my face.

As a parent, I vowed NEVER to do that with my own daughter. And just like me, her strengths are in the visual / verbal realm. And like me, she is highly intelligent, very intuitive & sensitive, quite creative & math is the bane of her existence. And also like me, when she finds a subject she likes & excels at, the sky's the limit. My philosophy with her academics has always been to do your best & make an effort, even in math. I KNOW she is never going to get straight A's in math... it's not going to happen & so I don't have ridiculously high expectations in that respect. She has needed extra help in math since grade school, she is genetically predisposed to suck at it, thanks to the DNA she inherited from both parents. When I tell this to teachers & counselors, they sometimes look at me funny, but I don't care. One had the nerve to tell me that because she believes she's bad at math, she will always do badly... Not true! I know my daughter, like I know myself, her brain is neurodivergent (thanks to ADHD) & mathematical concepts are not ever going to be something she excels at. So, rather than reinforce her weaknesses & set those bars ultra high on something she will never be able to live up to, why not build her up ion her strengths, because she has SO many?! I am 100% okay with the fact that she's having to retake sophomore algebra, because maybe she'll get a C or a D this time, instead of an F. I don't care if it's not an A, as long as she passes the class & has enough math credits to graduate, because, let's face it, unless she's going into engineering or theoretical physics (and those are certainly not going to be career options she's even remotely interested in), she WILL NOT be using algebra in her daily life... I haven't!

So yes, unlike MY mother, I am self-aware enough & undertanding enough to know how damaging expectations can be to a child, especially ones that are unrealistic & unattainable. I know exactly how it feels to be forced into a mold that was not ever made for me. I know how it feels to be made to think I was somehow "less than" & how that affected my self esteem up until adulthood. I know all of the ways a kid, especially a girl, can rebel against that, with some very negative repercussions like eating disorders, self-harm, depression, risky behavior like doing drugs, drinking or being sexually promiscuous, ALL because of the never-ending seach for some form of "approval". I do my very best to accept my daughter for the person she IS, not the person I think she should be, faults & flaws included. My mother was a spectacular exmple of what NOT to do as a parent, so I have always tried my damndest to not repeat those mistakes, to learn & hopefully evolve from those awful patterns of behavior that I endured. My daughter gets to be HERSELF & I finally get to be ME & that is a very good thing.