These Are The Things You Didn't Know, But Now You Do.

 So, you see me or know me from work, mutual friends, etc... We hang out, you think I'm a "cool" person, because I've traveled, done interesting things, I'm funny, open, friendly, a bit unconventional & outspoken... But you have NO idea that I've suffered unimaginable tragedy as the victim of a very violent crime, when I was in my early 20's. I rarely talk about it.

You also have NO idea that as the result of a psycho ex-boyfriend, who tried to kill me, because he didn't like that I broke up with him, the course of my life was forever changed & not in a "good" way. You also don't know that when I did try to break up with him, after only dating for 5 months, he raped me, got me pregnant & I ended up telling him in no uncertain terms that I was NOT having his child under any circumstances & he needed to take me to the clinic ASAP to have this taken care of(this was back when Roe v Wade was the law of the land, thank fuck!). And nobody on this earth can tell me that I didn't do the absolute right thing in this situation.

You don't know that I was on "autopilot" or had undiagnosed, untreated PTSD for YEARS afterwards. You don't know that the actual incident was traumatic enough, but then it took 2 years for it to go to trial & when it did, I was re-traumatized all over again. You don't know that this guy is now living out his life + 30 year sentence in prison or that at one point, the legal team was considering asking for the death penalty.

You also don't know that nobody in my family, not my parents, not my sister, not my cousins, Aunts or Uncles EVER once asked me if I was okay or whether I needed anything or that they were sorry something like this happened to me. You don't know that my Mother actually blamed me for the incident... as if I could've predicted that this closet sociopath had murderous intentions! You don't know that I got NOTHING in the way of empathy or compassion from anyone at the time, only disdain, criticism and being portrayed as "the victim" in a "crime of passion".

There was ONE family member, who told me I was her hero, because of the strength & grace I projected, even when I felt like I was dying inside... She reminded me that I come from the toughest, most stubborn of people (Ukrainians), who literally left the Motherland with nothing, not even speaking the language, then boarded ships to America & re-built lives for themselves, their children & grandchildren, so they would have better opportunities in this new land. She told me I was genetically programmed for "survival" & she was right.

You have no clue that beyond my well-constructed, but very genuine facade, I am a deeply distrustful, cynical, jaded person, who will never feel safe in any situation & is always looking over my shoulder when out in public. You can't imagine the depths of my dislike towards most of humanity. You also can't imagine the things I would do to anyone that would even think about doing such harm to MY precious, only daughter. You don't know that I cried for 2 days when I found out I was having a girl, because my mind flashed forward to potential boyfriends that could someday perpetrate & violate her, like I had been perpetrated & violated.

You don't know that my anger & hatred has simmered for nearly 30 years, fueled by deep reserves of determination & willful character... A weaker person would've been shattered by what I endured & probably ended up being institutionalized, suicidal or barely able to function... But, not this girl. I never viewed myself as a "victim", which is perhaps what saved me from drowning & succumbing to the stigma... I carried on, I still carry on. I'm not even sure how my brain allowed me to, but it did & I did. The thought of letting this "define" me or letting him "win" was never an option.

You don't know that the trauma still resides in my mind & body... I still have nightmares about him, I sometimes wake up in a cold sweat, screaming. And I'm fully convinced that my rheumatoid arthritis is a direct, physical, autoimmune response to the emotional & physical stress I endured & still endure, almost 30 years later. Again, not many people could handle such intense, daily, never-ending physical pain.

Sometimes, I sit back in awe of it all... Because if you had told me years ago that I could survive intense trauma & still be standing here, sane, rational, genuine & with a wicked sense of humor, I would've laughed in your face. But here I am, in all of my imperfectly perfect glory...These are the things you didn't know, but now you do.